No fear compares to this

This past year has been terrible for all of us but being the mum to a chronically ill daughter the pandemic to me has been more than a terrifying ordeal. The fear of losing a child is too much to bear. Molly has many rare & chronic conditions there would not be a chance. In the beginning and for the first few weeks  of lockdown 1 i spent most of my days feeling petrified that Molly would catch it she only has to look at a virus & it makes her poorly. She caught the mumps the previous year on one single trip out & was very Ill.  Every day my breath fluttered i had palpitations & felt sick. It was hideous. Lockdown was an immense relief. It meant that I didnt have to fight in any way anymore to keep her safe. It was taken out of my hands.  All i wanted to do was keep everyone at home before this. Once we went in to lockdown (albeit to late)  and the schools shut the worry was a bit less intense because we did literally stay at home. no one left the house ever. The risk to Molly was too high. the level of stress was still extremely high because of the risk of shopping etc coming in to our home contaminated. we literally washed everything down and still do. The mental health of the whole family was one of terror & dread we all know what would happen if Molly came in to contact with it as we have all seen how poorly she can get. My other children have seen her taken out of the house on oxygen by the paramedic to an ambulance & to hospital before it's all very real & frighteningto them. Moll caught swine flu H1N1 in 2009 a day before she was due the vaccine & was in hospital for 2 weeks with collapsed lung & awful pneumonia. 
We had taken the kids out of school then to protect her but she still caught it. Molly has also been petrified of catching it for obvious reasons and we often have tears. My worst fear for an entire year has been the thought of Molly 21 going off alone in an ambulance shes never been alone & without me before , and if that had of happened i would never see her again. its heart breaking. people breaking the rules affected us a lot & made me so angry. The government have made huge mistakes with the timing of the first lockdown and since regarding many other things. To us as a family though we gratefully received weekly government food boxes, our neighbour's were also really good to us as we couldn't leave home. It felt a bit like being in a war where the enemy was totally invisible. We all get on very very well and so have actually been quite happy at home, the key I think is to keep busy, keep your sense of humour and enjoy some downtime. Its not all been a bed of rosies and has been very unfair on the other kids because being taken away from school and their friends has been awful. my 2nd youngest daughter missed her final GCSES  prom etc the smallest one missed everything this christmas at school and has not seen her friends since the beginning of December because of a few cases at her school. Her school though have been absolutely amazing in supporting us. The risk to Molly was too high so we have been home educating since then. My husband the main earner in our home has been off of work since last march., just returning for a few weeks in Oct before 2nd lockdown. Again the government have been very good in paying 80% of his wages because he is self employed. Money did get very tight & we are down quite a few pounds some bills will just have to wait but we were in a better position than some people who lost income altogether. I think the pressure shows in society you just have to look at social media to see the effects it is having which is so sad. I've lost a few friends along the way. Probably because my views were so extreme about keeping to the rules.. I was just terrified that is all.
i especially feel for the people in residential homes. before covid i used to do arts crafts  and art therapy a few times a week with the  residence at Winslow house i really miss them and cannot imagine how they have all coped. As for Molly she has missed out on a lot of health treatments & therapies as it was advised better to keep her totally isolated, she therefore is quite poorly again now. To try and put something back in to the community i have uploaded a lot of colouring pages from my book to my Doodledays facebook page and have also shared some puzzles from my new book before its even finished. i hope my small bit will help I completely know what it is like to be isolated; I've been living this way on & off since Moll was born. I also have started a doodledays arts and crafts online for kids and adults which i hope will help a little with the boredom & give some light relief. As for Molly she had her vaccine last week after desperately waiting months for it holding my breath. I am also amazed that this has been rolled out so quickly having had experience with pharmaceutical companies i know how long these things normally take. i cannot be any more grateful to them,  they have literally given us our lives back. we have to wait until April until she is fully protected but then we will just be able to worry like normal parents about the whole pandemic, it has been a frightening time and im glad i can now see the light.